It's been a time of deep reflection for me over this past week. Though my thoughts, inspirations, and reflections seem a bit jumbled as I converse with myself within, I realize that somehow, it all makes alot of sense. I am who I am. I am learning to love and appreciate that, to be gentle with who I am and in turn be more gentle with others.
At CAP this week, I remember someone saying that us Catholics are really good at doing things in response to our faith, but don't perhaps have the easiest time listening. I know that's true for me. I remember hearing in my heart that I must work on forgiveness and I heard God whisper in my heart that he would guide me along the journey. Sometimes it is so easy to get off center with that, and question. It is a theme I am trying to pay attention to.
Yesterday I had a couple of really wonderful conversations with my Mom. Sometimes she helps me so much to look at the bigger picture in such a way that challenges me to come outside of myself and see how my vision is at times a bit too narrow. I know that's the case with each of at sometimes, but sometimes she has guided me so much, and given me much ease and strength to better relate with others who I am struggling to understand or love. I also watched Life as a House last night. I was profoundly inspired by this. I will share a quote from there later.
There were many gifts about this last week and many trials as well. But I think perhaps I must acknowledge the trials, embrace them, and then move onto the gifts. Some of them are both and I suppose.
Gift 1: I was reminded in my journey how God truly has always guided me, surprised me, and when I've tried to take too much control, God has guided me down the right path either by putting the right people in my life or by teaching me a lesson of learning my heart. Sometimes even by literally leading me kicking and screaming.
Gift 2: Being vulnerable and going where it is not comfortable. That's when you learn what you are made of. I am so much stronger than I allow myself to believe. I think it challenged me this past week to feel like I was outside my comfort zone, because 2 parts of my life so familiar were a part of last week. But I think the discomfort came from exposing very deep parts of me. What I have experienced, what I struggle with, and what I've learned. I am proud of the way I came out of my comfort zone and been vulnerable to show my students that you can be a strong leader and show your emotion and passion. It's how you inspire others, by being yourself. What I want to do with my life is inspire others, the way I have been inspired and loved in my life. I have the gift of being sensitive and loving to others who struggle to be accepted or understood.
Gift 3: You can't let other's perspective of you get the best of you or overshadow your own perception. Don't be so quick to second guess yourself. This is something I have done all to often. And what a gift to be challenged to face this and move beyond it, even with baby steps at first. Last night I was watching the Biggest Loser. One of them said how she always hits a certain plateau and sees it as the end of a certain journey and stops. She overcame that plateau and walked right through her obstacle, moving on. What bravery, and what a lesson to learn.
Gift 4: Laughter is the best medicine. Everytime I laugh I feel a sense of strength and peace come over me. Laughing makes life real, it is to be enjoyed. Crying is also a good remedy when it touches the places in our souls that need to be healed. What a gift to have so many hearty laughs and deep peaceful tears. I feel renewed in many ways.
Gift 5: Being at Peace. It was an amazing gift to talk to Don and find the peace and closure we have needed from eachother. He is a wonderful person and I am better because he was a part of my life. He taught me at the beginning to love me because I have a beautiful spirit full of grace and love. He told me the way I saw myself was jaded. That was the first time I truly heard a person I loved challenge me to recognize the grace I had within. In my heart of hearts I knew it, but for some reason I never thought it was ok to embrace that. I think it came from years of shadowing the good, but it didn't keep others from seeing it. To love that grace and nourish it as one of my greatest spiritual gifts given to share. Don also taught me that people in our lives are not possessions, they are gifts. And these are gifts given freely, and are not ours to possess but to share. He showed me to be easier on myself, and helped to calm the anxiousness that I at times can let consume me. He had a certain ease and peace about him that gave me so much comfort. I loved these things about him and am grateful for the ways this and even the hardest and most trying parts of our relationship have helped me to grow ever stronger. Happiness is something I deserve and will continue to attain, along with the growing pains that come along the journey of life.
This morning I prayed with Psalm 25. Here's what moved me most in light of my reflections on my week and where I am at:
" Yet all too often glorious gifts of Grace, of Love and Light, are veiled by my busyness. I bow down before you; instruct me that I might choose the way of love and truth. I would live in your abundant Love, and my children as well. Your friendship is offered to all whose hearts are open; you make known your promises to them. My eyes are ever on You, Beloved, keep my feet from stumbling along the way.
Turn to me O Holy One, and envelop me with your love, for I am lonely and oppressed. Relive the blocks in my heart that keep me separated from you; See all the darkness within me; fill it with your healing light. Look at my pain and all my fears; they shut out love and life."
Today I want to embrace more deeply my gifts of love, grace, and understanding.
I leave with some quotes from Life as a House that have left me inspired and challenged. I would like to reflect on them more again soon.
"hind site... it's like foresight without a future."
"The game was to make me smaller, no matter what I had to be smaller. And if he couldn't make me smaller with words... I don't want you to be smaller, I want you to be bigger, I want you happy. You're not happy anywhere... You know the great thing though is that change can be so constant and you don't even feel the change until there is one. It can be so slow that you dont know that your life is better or worse until it is. Or it can just blow you away make you something different in an instant. It happened to me. Build this house with me. Come on."
There is one more quote I will find. It has to do with our house and how it is what holds our soul. When we don't like our house, we are couped in a place that we cannot stand. How can our soul be nourished when our soul lives in a place that we cannot stand? It is not life giving, it is soul quenching.
May I, may we all, find a way to build a house that fits our soul, that gives it the life it has been given?
What a gift so many parts of this past week have been! Onward to loving me for me, to learning me so I can continue to build a house I love for my soul... because I deserve it.
**Here's a couple more quotes that moved me:
"What would you do if you had four months to live? I'd build a house."
"I haven't been touched in years... Really? Everyone has to be touched, by those they love... I know... My son used to come and throw his arms around me."
