I am beginning to realize, that even though I have worked very hard to try and take good care of myself, it has felt as though something(s) is still missing. In my prayers and reflections, some important things have been made more clear to me:

- I need to work on forgiveness. Forgiving those who I believe have hurt me, some deeper than others, and likely without intending. I need to forgive myself for the ways I have denied myself that loving embrace that I deserve and therefore leaving un-nourished and hidden the qualities that make me Laura. And I must somehow work towards this. It was made somewhat clear that this will be a long journey and it starts now. It will hopefully make my struggles in relationships more healthy and balanced.

-I need to open my heart up more to change. I can use growth in loving myself and embracing the parts of me that I have repressed, perhaps without even realizing it. I try to halt change sometimes I think, and then I cause myself much pain by doing that.

- I need to be around people who have similar passions to me more often, but that are different enough that the can challenge me. So I am looking into possibly living in intentional communities. This will also provide a healthy distance from my family, which I also believe can grow our relationships stronger, and allow me to grow more secure and confident in my own identity. My inclinations towards wanting to please other people make it hard for me not to feel torn when my natural inclinations go away from those whose feelings I care about alot. Unfortunately caring alot about their feelings causes me to often times put theirs ahead. Another clear point of well needed growth.

As I watched the Lord of the Rings tonight, I was inspired by some obvious quotes, that speak to my heart in a special way right now.

- "I miss the shire. I spent my whole childhood pretending I was off somewhere else... off with you on one of your adventures. My own adventure turned out to be quite different. I'm not like you Bilbo." - Frotto

"I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened to me." - Frotto "So do all who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide. All we have to do is to decide what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces in this world besides evil Frotto which is why Bilbo was meant to find the ring and you too my boy. Now there's a promising thought." -Gandolf

"I know what I must do, it's only that I'm afraid to do it." -Frotto. "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future."

"Do not let fear drive us to destroy what hope we have."